I have been off. I have been off now for a bit I think now off and on for about a week. I am trying to get back on. I guess I could say I am having an episode. I don’t know. I started smoking and quit smoking again. I always fall back on that when life brings me its stresses. Pathetic yes but it is what happens. The nicotine gum has been making me sick to my stomach. Or maybe it is my nerves or maybe it is both. The good thing is unlike the previous episodes I am not lost. I can easily be pulled up and brushed off but when I am alone I have been falling into a bit of a whole.
Finalizing these divorce papers does not help things. The whole divorce process has just about exhausted me. The crap that I have to go through being the one actually filing for divorce is ridiculous but I am in the home stretch. I know once this is finished I will be able to put this whole crappy thing behind me and finally once and fucking for all and move on.
I have a puppy and a cat fighting for both of my hands now and I promised I would go see my girlfriend tonight – which I need to go do. That will help pull me up out of this mood. Not that I rely on others to “cure” me because they can’t but they can help me in the short term. Plus it is not her job to fix me. I don’t want another person trying to fix me. I can take care of myself not that I am doing a bang up job right now but I am doing the best I can. I just have to close this chapter of my life.
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