What do you do when all you want to do is fucking scream?
My life is so different than it was a year ago hell then it was 4 months ago. Fuck bipolar that shit is easy…..try raising a family that includes a 16 year old and two dogs. I feel fucking old and tired and broke. Clearly, I do not feel this every day. I have several different feelings:
throw them off the balcony day
aaahhh they are all so cute and i love them
don’t feed them they deserve not food and water
OMG they are so cute and sweet and got good grades give them presents day
I talk to my sister Casey a lot – she is my person when I need advice on how to raise a family without losing my shit. It is hard but surprising enough the bipolar has stayed in check.
It is funny but I feel like I am in remission. My girlfriend who I swear at times I could just tear apart and put her body in a duffel bag under my bed helps put me in a state of unbelievable calmness. I know you read this and think bullshit but remember this is a blog and I’m an ass.
While I can fly off the handle a bit and get somewhat bitchy I still have an overwhelming sense of centered self. I still get to points where I can’t handle life but I have a lot shit on my plate, a stressful job, a teenager, two dogs and a sex crazed girlfriend.
Even with all the insanity that hits me. Even when I sat at Bridget’s and cried with my entire body. Even when I thought I just could not do anymore I was still awesome because I have such a sense of core stability and calmness. Yes you can be in a state of not being able to handle life but still be stable and calm at your core. If you don’t agree then you don’t understand or you are just a fucking idiot and you should not be reading my blog (get off my page….now….right now…..).
I take my medications religiously. I smile religiously. I go to bed still around the same time every night even on weekends. I get up early even on the weekends. I eat healthy and I don’t drink alcohol and rarely drink soda. I don’t do any illegal drugs anymore, though I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss doing a line of cocaine now and again because I do miss it. I am still doing all the things that I did at the beginning to manage with the exception of going to the gym. I am working on getting ready to have a baby so the gym will become a good friend. I did join Burke Williams so I think that should count!
One thing I miss about the Bipolar episodes are the creative thoughts and feelings that the depression brought. They were amazing. They allowed me to think and see in beautiful colorful brush strokes of words. Words that would fall off my fingertips on to the paper like drops of blood from a puncture wound. They were bold and beautiful and painful. When the depression left it took the words with it.
It is ok that some of the words have gone because now I am more interested in going out and living life instead of pouring out the pain on paper. I am going to a concert on Tuesday at the House of Blues – Uh huh her. I don’t know who they are but I can’t wait to find out.
I know that my symptoms could come raging back and that is OK because I have Megan. Megan protects me and I her. We go to concerts, dinner, movies, farmers markets and we argue and laugh and raise our family. I am finally the person that I have always wanted to be in my life and with my illness………..thanks in part to me and thanks in large part to Megan………
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