As I inhale my chest swells, my shoulders thrust backwards and I sit and hold my breath…..five, four, three, two, one. Exhaling my body slumps forward and I wait and pray for calmness to shroud me but instead the violent tears flow. They come from so deep down that I cannot finger their origination but I know their release will sustain my momentum towards clarity, truth, and finally acceptance. My body heaves up and down, I gasp for air, I gasp for control, and I gasp for hope.
I break out into an apoplectic rage. I’ve a capacity for evil that lurks below the surface lying dormant in a hostile environment I call my mind. I can manipulate my mind to survive in the outside world usually without incident. I’ve had practice all my life, unknowingly so. My inexhaustible mind filled with ubiquitous thoughts of death reminds me that I am living on borrowed time. This mind of mine – hostile – I revere and despise it all at the same time. What lies above is my clarity, 37 years in the making. What goes forward is my truth. I say my instead of the, because when seen through different eyes is not truth at all but only supposition.
My truth was a white powdery line, a mirror, a rolled dollar bill and my dilated eyes staring back at me. It was a long day that rolled into an even longer night that never ended but instead lit up into the next morning. Friendships were neglected and family tossed aside as the need for a line turned ravenous. What contact I did have with friends and family soon turned into harsh words and outright arguments. I resented any meddling in my life. For once I was in control and felt alive. The pure euphoria I got from cocaine made me feel invincible. I was interesting and charismatic I was on top of the world and no one could knock me down NO ONE!
Eventually my truth was discovered by my wife at the time and an ultimatum was laid out before me – it was her or the drugs. So much for being on top, I was just knocked down. I with right mind chose her and off to find help I went. I was actually relieved. By then I was up to an 8ball a week and was having paranoid delusions. Wasn’t sure how much longer I could have held on before I ended up killing myself.
I sought refuge at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Los Angeles it was the first place that came to mind. It was here that 15 years of misdiagnoses culminated and I was to finally understand it all. It was here where my life would turn inside out upside down. It was the best and worst day of my life. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder one of the most difficult diseases to diagnose and treat. My use of illegal drugs and later alcohol are warning signs of bipolar. My racing thoughts, obsession with death and dying, and fear of almost everything were other warning signs. You cannot even image how amazing it was to hear that those things were side effects of the disease – treatable side effects meaning that it is possible to manage them to where they would subside and possibly disappear for great lengths of time. It was a revelation that moved me to joyous tears.
It has not been an easy journey and it is not even close to being done, but it has been the most amazing life saving journey that I have ever embarked upon. I understand that I will have to monitor everything about myself for changes, live a structured life style, become a slave to stability & routine, carefully and precisely medicate myself for the rest of my life. I will need to exercise, eat right, and do my best to stay on top of what science has to say about this disorder. To many this may not seem like a life at all but to me it solidifies that I will be able to live out a real life, a happy life and I will not die by my own hand as long as I accept the truth, accept my reality, and take responsibility for living.
I got through the hard part of it all and I survived now I just need to work on being happy and living one day at time.
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Courageous! And Inspired!
Kat,
Very powerful, courageous and insightful….to find your true self and accept yourself, to be able to live by the truth is challenging enough, good for you.
You freakin’ ROCK Kate! (sorry I will probably always call you that) You are good, I never had any idea. It’s a tough disease (remember Justin, only he wasn’t able to manage as well as you did) but what a relief, huh to find out it’s so not anything that you could help not your fault) Right on and how very cool that you’re sharing your knowledge/experience of this disease so that others can benefit from it. Wow you go girl!!
Thank you sweetie and of course you can call me Kate, just like everyone at ABI is always gonna call me Katie. Of course I remember Justin I hope he is doing ok. They say it is one of the hardest to manage. After taking 17 years to figure out what the heck was wrong I figured I would try to make sure no one else had to wait that long again. It was hell it might have ruined my marriage – I am still working that one out.
So thank you for the awesome kudos girl!!!! It is always nice to hear a response like yours.
Stupid me, it’s disorder not disease, probably my subconscious thinkin about my past issues with addiction/disease. Sorry!
No apologies girl
Hi Kate–You will make a difference in helping people understand this disorder. You have only one way to go and that is UP, in the good and right way. You are loved very much by many and everyone supports you, and I send many hugs and much love to you.
Stac
Thank you so much for you kind post. The website has been such a great outlet to me and I hope it helps someone else out there see the light at the end of what can be a very long tunnel sometimes.
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