I stopped taking my medications 7 days ago.

I am working on getting pregnant so that doctor advised me that I cannot take my medications during the first trimester of pregnancy.  So instead of flipping out then and putting stress on the baby I decided to see how I would respond to it now and have him figure out what to put me me prior to getting pregnant.

I began going at half dose for a week and then a quarter dose for a week and now it has been 7 days off and 21 days at less than a full dose.  So far I feel completely normal.  I don’t feel any different.

Only a few people know so that they can watch and tell me if I seem off.  I am hoping to learn to manage myself with something other than the medications.  Diet, exercise and a host of other things.

We will see how it goes.

10/29/11 What do you do when you just want to…

What do you do when all you want to do is fucking scream?

My life is so different than it was a year ago hell then it was 4 months ago.  Fuck bipolar that shit is easy…..try raising a family that includes a 16 year old and two dogs.  I feel fucking old and tired and broke.  Clearly, I do not feel this every day.  I have several different feelings:

throw them off the balcony day

aaahhh they are all so cute and i love them

don’t feed them they deserve not food and water

OMG they are so cute and sweet and got good grades give them presents day

I talk to my sister Casey a lot – she is my person when I need advice on how to raise a family without losing my shit.  It is hard but surprising enough the bipolar has stayed in check.

It is funny but I feel like I am in remission.  My girlfriend who I swear at times I could just tear apart and put her body in a duffel bag under my bed helps put me in a state of unbelievable calmness.  I know you read this and think bullshit but remember this is a blog and I’m an ass.

While I can fly off the handle a bit and get somewhat bitchy I still have an overwhelming sense of centered self.  I still get to points where I can’t handle life but I have a lot shit on my plate, a stressful job, a teenager, two dogs and a sex crazed girlfriend.

Even with all the insanity that hits me.  Even when I sat at Bridget’s and cried with my entire body.  Even when I thought I just could not do anymore I was still awesome because I have such a sense of core stability and calmness.  Yes you can be in a state of not being able to handle life but still be stable and calm at your core.  If you don’t agree then you don’t understand or you are just a fucking idiot and you should not be reading my blog (get off my page….now….right now…..).

I take my medications religiously.  I smile religiously.  I go to bed still around the same time every night even on weekends.  I get up early even on the weekends.  I eat healthy and I don’t drink alcohol and rarely drink soda.  I don’t do any illegal drugs anymore, though I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss doing a line of cocaine now and again because I do miss it.  I am still doing all the things that I did at the beginning to manage with the exception of going to the gym.  I am working on getting ready to have a baby so the gym will become a good friend. I did join Burke Williams so I think that should count!

One thing I miss about the Bipolar episodes are the creative thoughts and feelings that the depression brought.  They were amazing.  They allowed me to think and see in beautiful colorful brush strokes of words.  Words that would fall off my fingertips on to the paper like drops of blood from a puncture wound.  They were bold and beautiful and painful.  When the depression left it took the words with it.

It is ok that some of the words have gone because now I am more interested in going out and living life instead of pouring out the pain on paper.  I am going to a concert on Tuesday at the House of Blues – Uh huh her.  I don’t know who they are but I can’t wait to find out.

I know that my symptoms could come raging back and that is OK because I have Megan.  Megan protects me and I her.  We go to concerts, dinner, movies, farmers markets and we argue and laugh and raise our family.  I am finally the person that I have always wanted to be in my life and with my illness………..thanks in part to me and thanks in large part to Megan………


It has been a while…….

My girlfriends daughter came and is getting ready to go again.  She has been here since the end of March.  It has been hard but we are getting through it.  We are sending her back to Indiana for a month to visit with her friends before school starts because she is going crazy here which in turn is making us a bit crazy too.  Feel bad that she is stuck here with nothing to do and no one to hang out with.

Tell ya nothing like moving your girlfriends 16 year old daughter to test the limits of your bipolar medication and life style management :).

Over the last 4 months my anxiety levels have definitely increased.  I had the doctor prescribe some benzo’s to help kick me back in line.  They have helped but I am monitoring to see if I need something on a daily basis to help me out.

I got off of the Seroquel about a month and a half ago because of toxicity of the liver.  It was hard at first sleeping but my body is getting used to it.  They instead prescribed a medication called Hydroxyzine which is generic for Vistiral.  This is supposed to help me sleep and cut the anxiety.  It does shit for the anxiety but does help with the sleep.  Though I sleep so light that a fart from the next door neighbor wakes me. I live in Hollywood and on a Friday and Saturday night we have drunk sluts walking up and down the streets trying to find their cars at 2am.  That or the 7am trash truck every Saturday :).  But still I love living in the city.

So to work on life management first I bought a book for my kindle (on my phone) called The Power – written by who ever did The Secret.  So this book is all about thinking, feeling, believing and just being happy and positive and keeping positive thoughts and emotions.  It goes off some simple premises 1.  There are only two things in this world negative and positive things.  2.  What you put out you get back (so you put negativity you get it back just that simple).  3.  Unless you change your life you will stay where you are because you are in control…..this is my simple paraphrasing.

So anyway I bought the book because my rapid fire voices and bitchy person (my girlfriend has name my alter-ego Tatz) or Tatz easily takes over from the moment I get out of bed.  The negative thoughts start running.  So I am practicing what this book is saying to try and combat the voices that Tatz hears.  And so far it is working.  It’s not 100% and it’s fucking hard but so is living like this so what do I have to lose?

What I have found so far is that when I practice it by giving out the positive to other people I get back a ton of positive shit from them and that has been making life a lot sweeter!!!!

So anyway I am focusing on this book the power and will see what effect its tools will have on me and reducing my anxiety………..

I will try and post now at least once a week……..so much harder to post when your not depressed I am so thankful for that!

And I am thankful that even when Tatz comes out in a bad way my girlfriend takes it in stride runs helps me work through it.

Night………Tatz out!



The end has come to my anxiety!  My doctor called and I am cancer free!  Thank god waiting for a call to find out if you have cancer fucking sucks!  I never want to go through that shit again.

So what I was told instead was that I have two elevated Liver Enzyme levels due to the medications that I am on for my bipolar management.  THIS TOTALLY SUCKS!!!  I have been so wonderfully happy with my medications that this is a big blow if I have to make a change.  Unless the only change would be to the medication I take to sleep – Seroquel.

If I have to stop taking the Topamax which helps manage the weight gain it is possible that I will stop taking all medication as I will never again allow these medications to make me as fat as I used to be.  I know how horrible that sounds but I can’t live like that.

So before I start getting ahead of myself I am going to the head shrinker – whom I have an amazing relationship with – this Monday and we will begin to figure out what we will do.

On the plus side the blood test showed that I have the cholesterol levels of an athlete!!!  My blood work basically says that my health is awesome except for the liver which is a little toxic.

So I will return come Monday and let you know what Dr. Mohammad says.



I’ve been so bad about blogging.  It is really true what they say about depression – it breeds so much passion and ability to be creative and fill the pages.

Since I last wrote I have moved to Hollywood.  In fact I moved this weekend.  I am exhausted but so happy I don’t have words to rightfully express my feelings.

I am about to embark on a new journey with my girlfriend and her 16 year old daughter.  Her daughter is out of town with her grandparents and has been for a few months while we found a place for the three of us.  So it has just been me and my girlfriend.  So it will be a new experience once she comes back.  We have spent some time together but not a whole lot.  I am excited but unsure of what it will be like living with this unknown 16 year old.  She is a good kid and I love kids so I am sure it will be great.  I know there will be times when maybe it won’t be amazing but we will get through it.  All I know is that I have all that I have ever wanted.

I have been living in Thousand Oaks for over a year now and have been wanting out for a while now.  I can’t believe this day has finally arrived.  I love living in the city.  I can walk to the grocery store in 5 minutes.  I love the skyline.  I love falling asleep to helicopters, people walking down the street, police sirens, cars horns and all the other numerous sounds that make up city life.  I feel like I am getting back to me.

My medications continue to work and I continue to keep working on my life to make sure that I do all that I can to keep my balance.

That is all for now.


Life has become one normal day after another.  I used to wonder what that was like, a normal day…now I know.  Now I know what it is like again.  I’d forgotten what it was to have a succession of normal days.  It’s funny how such a small amount of “bad” time in comparison to your time on this earth can erase your memory of what a normal day felt like.

So now after dealing with the bad and coming back from it I am at the point to where I have a long succession of normal days.

My normal days are filled with laughter, smiles, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, walking the dogs, running errands, making lunches, dinner, and many other things that to some may seem mundane but to me create the most amazing normal days ever.

There was a point in my life that I wondered if I would ever get them back.  I feared that they might be gone forever.  I was so up and down that if they did come back I might be lucky to have them for a day or two here and there.  Now I have them everyday.

Yes I do get irritable.  Yes my girlfriend and I will get snippy with each other.  We have our off days though I must say they are few and far between.  I must admit this does take some getting used to.  There are times when I sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.  My girlfriend has mentioned that I am somewhat a pessimist and see the negative side.  I can see that.  From all the bad that has gone on I immediately go to that side.  I am going to work on that.  I am going to try and not worry and think the worst.  Positive thoughts Positive results is what she says………..that is what I need to think.

She is such an amazingly positive influence in my life and I am so thankful to have her by my side.  She is the best part of my normal day……..


What an insane month!!!!!!

My work purchased another agency so I have been immersed in the assistance of a smooth transition.  I’ve been going into work at 5am, not taking a lunch and not going home until 5pm.  I thought I would be able to go to bed at 8:30 but there are things to do around the house so it has been more like 10 – so I’ve been getting about 6 hours of sleep each night.

In addition to this my girlfriend and her two dogs moved in with me.  One of the dogs is a bit hyper but other than that it has been great.  We are getting creating our routine.  I love having her here with me it keeps me from going crazy!!

I certainly thought with all these changes and stressors I would have had some troubles or an episode but so far nothing.  While I have not gone to the gym we do go walking with the 3 dogs.  We go to the batting cages and hit 120 balls each time and let me tell you that will wear you out.  We have these cds that we are using for abs and core work out and then we do another 30 minute work out together.  So much more fun than the gym.  Clearly it is working because I am feeling very stable and able to deal with things.

At work I have people coming at me from all sides.  There are times when I am ready to blow because the stress is high and it seems as if someone is either calling or in my office every 5 minutes.  I sit there trying to figure out where to start only to be interrupted yet again.  My sanity begins to give way and I find myself teetering on the brink of a mental shutdown.  I’ve yet to actually get to mental shutdown I usually run into my best friends office and vent how I am over worked and underpaid and how it is imperative that I win the lotto :).  She of course laughs and does what ever it is she does and has done over the past 20 years that calms me down, make me feel good and then sends me back to work.

So it has been a great October, life is full of awesome day to day shit.

Kat out!

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